Memories...
Sunday, February 05, 2006
Before i know it, january's gone...
bash 1 is over..
bike quest is over...
website's ready.. (www.nusartsclub.org..go support it yeah? :) )
cny charity collection and visit over..
new noticeboards and club banner..
not to mention last sem's projects..
lotsa other events coming up..blogfest..foodhunt..arena..v-day bazaar..insom (cant wait for this issue to be released, realli looks good)..beach vball..arts bazaar..arts quiz..traditional games fiesta..isis charity drive..arts vital..
and the march to fop continues all this while...
arts camp..o week..matric..flag..bash 2..and of coz..rag..
i was riding home last fri night..it was realli heartwarming to see people like jianwu, keyou, paul, alvin, yuimin, gerri..old hands who joined forces with new blood of Rag..guan guan, jingyi..ayumi..lionel..rachael..yuanmei..
it felt like old times once again..back at the Rag house...and i cannot ever recall any arts club rag com starting so much work so early...
can feel the excitement..before don left, he asked me about this year's Rag..and i told him all the stuff the com has been doing so far..he was realli cursing and xian that he couldnt be down for this year 's rag..but he told me he ll be supporting us in australia somehow..haha..
and before he went into the departure hall, the last thing this wonderful person, friend, arts club member, and ragger did was to thrust $10 into my hands.
"Take it, hock, and win it this year."
I didnt decline him.
It may be a mere $10..but as any ragger will tell you. Every bit, from every single person counts.
I cannot forget Rag 2005, when the winner was announced to be Science Club..their crowd went ecstatic..their Dean and staff were overjoyed..their people, tons of freshies among them, went delirious, went crazy. Their rag com and leaders broke down..Big grown men standing above the crowd, crying. This is how much it means to them.
At least 6 months of hard work for that one 5 min presentation.
For that one day.
For that one moment.
For that one priceless moment u ll never forget for the rest of your life.
I had mine on the last day of Arts Camp 05.
And i want to do everything i can when i am in my position to generate and create these moments for the new generation of Arts Club leaders...
So that 1 day they too, will carry on the baton, and pass on these moments to future generations.
Leaders come and leaders leave, but what will always remain is the Club.
....When i was riding back halfway on Fri night, i dreamt that we won Rag...i dreamt of delirious joyous scenes of celebrations....
Will we really do it...?
The dream continues.....
I dream too, in fact quite a couple of times, of how each and every single one of 26th will be like come fop 2006...sometimes when i think of it, i smile to myself..i smile at how excited it will get them..esp the girls haha..i smile becoz i can oredi picture them cheering and leading the new generation of freshies..i smile becoz i wonder how they ll react when 1 day, they suddenly realize that they r no longer freshies, no longer newbies, but seasoned seniors..who ll then have much greater powers and responsibilities which they must know how to manage well.
I smile to myself when people tell me that they wont re-run, becoz i felt the exact same way too last yr at certain periods. But when they have not been thru fop, they ll not understand why.
and before i know it..elections..rop camp..agm...thank you dinner... My long-awaited thank you speech...
Job s done.
And i will ride off into the sunset...
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It was actually a bittersweet day for me yesterdae during Bike Quest. On 1 hand, i was really happy that we managed to get 35 teams in the end, and that everything went smoothly, and i was realli realli glad to see so many new affiliates and new blood. I was happy to see everyone enjoying themselves, from the participants to the com members..
But deep down inside, i was very upset as well. Which i didnt show.
My good old buddy don whom i have known for 6 years since j1 has left for Australia for exchange yesterdae, and quite possibly, i wont see him for 2 years.
Donny and i been thru a lot together, and he did many many uncountable things for me. I ll always treasure the letter he gave me during thank you dinner last yr when i stepped up..
He was 1 of the few i could have a good long conversation with, becoz we knew each other realli well, and one of the few friends whom i could share my problems and sensitive confidential issues with. Haha..yesh and we realli like to niao each other..a very very selfless, humble and funny friend haha..
And we always have this mutual respect for each other..and one of the greatest things i liked about him is that he's a very non-judgemental person..there were days when i ll just call him and talk lotsa cock and shared problems..over lunch as well..
I wrote a letter back to him for him to open on the plane back, and added in a photo of the 2 of us, taken during dec 2004 the candle project. I wished him well, and was glad in a way for him..because he's studying something he likes, and i m positive he ll have a great career next time with his excellent results..
I have lost another 1 of my few friends those whom i could share heart-to-heart problems with...not many remain.
I was very torn yesterdae as well, becoz i was worried for the initial setting up of the bike quest stuff..realli quite fang4 xin1 bu4 xia4..and wanted to stay first at ecp until everything's done nicely before i leave for the airport to send off don..but i didnt have time due to his flight timing..and the least i could do for don i feel at this point of time, was to bid him a proper farewell..
he looked relaxed at the airport..we talked a bit..sent him off..and i rushed back to ecp..
steven is right..it is very lonely at the top..unfortuantely there are a lot of things and problems which i cannot share or reveal to my own com members even if i wanted to..
lately i ve realized that i ve changed from who i used to be..read thru some of my past blogs and realized that..some things i discover is that i keep a lot more things to myself..i prefer more personal privacy and sometimes i ll rather stay at home and have a quiet rest than go out and bang wham slam..i am not as loud or joyful as the past..i have a slight remembrance that someone used to call me Happy Hock...cant imagine tat being said on me now haha..
and the most serious problem or change i think i have is that...
i actually feel guilty when i m happy.
There's this feeling inside me that whatever happiness i get will only be short-lived.
So much that at times when i m happy, i tell myself it cannot be, or that it wont last.
Is there a name for a syndrome like this? Or maybe its due to scars of the heart from my past?
My smiles and laughter may never be as pure as the past anymore.
I m not the happy, carefree, cheeky, noisy, brash hocky i use to be. Glimpses of it come out down and then, but....
Deep down,
Somewhere,
Somehow,
I seem to have lost it.
