Memories...
Monday, July 31, 2006
The past 2 daes have been mentally and physically draining for me.
In between packing 1500 Matric bags on Sundae afternoon, i suddenly received a msg from my sis that my grandpa, who had already been hospitalized the past few days, was facing an emergency. There's a hole in his stomach..and its affecting his lungs somehow..such that he suddenly couldnt breathe properly, and was sent to the Intensive Care Unit. It was scary, and when my mum knew what happened, she was devastated and cried badly. Worse still was that she still had to rush back to her workplace after visiting my grandpa, coz it was a Sunday and she couldnt get a replacement at the Food Court. She was so upset.
I was decorating the Matric Fair booth at SRC when i knew this..and rushed down from school to the hospital with my bro, sis, and dad. When i saw my grandpa in the ICU ward, i think i was so devastated and stunned. There were like all kinds of funny tubes poked all over his body. He was gasping for breath, and look so frail and thin, unlike the past. I couldnt figure out exactly how to read the computer figures, but it was clear that his heartbeat and pulse rate were really really weak.
I didnt know how to react actually. But i felt very very sad, devastated, and painful seeing him like this..
A lot of painful images emerged from the past, which is too upsetting for me to write out.
Grandpa has always doted on us, his grandchildren, and despite been softspoken, the whole family knew that he was always a strong and intelligent character and thinker.
The doctors rushed to flush out the phlegm in his lungs. Including 2.6kg of fluids..from his lungs. All this while, we were waiting and waiting anxiously. And not being of very rich financial background, my aunts were also quite troubled by the hospital costs, but of coz this was considered the least worries compared to his condition.
Thank god his condition stabilized...and we all headed back respectively to our work, school etc.
I think i ve become really good at hiding my feelings after almost 1 yr of training. I only let shuang er see my real emotions, no one else..Before i rode for Gleneagles Hospital, i thank god she was with me, for i was in a daze and felt like crumbling after hearing the news.
I came back to school, feeling devastated, and thinking a lot about grandpa, and life in general. Kept my mind occupied by doing a lot of other stuff and ragging. Initially thought of going back home, but i couldnt just leave my guys back in school.
Then came todae. Freaking busy. I went Matric, went back to Deans Office for briefing, went back to Matric, went to OED for a meeting, then went to LT11 to prepare for the Orientation talks tom, then back to clubroom to settle admin stuff. And i m preparing for my speech tomorrow.
Its going to be the biggest crowd that i will address. The Deans wud be there as well. Been thinking and preparing for this talk for quite some time. These are times when i wish my loved ones were there watching me, and proud of me.
When i reached home just now, grandpa's condition according to my mum is better. He could open his eyes. But he couldnt talk. He strangely asked my mum to pass him a piece of paper, where he wrote some words on it. I looked at the paper, and couldnt make out what the words meant. But i could tell it was written with quite some difficulty. There were 4 words. The 1st one was only half-written before it faded.
The last 3 words, according to my mum, were my grandpa's own name. He had written his own name on the paper, then looked at my mum, raised both hands and waved them gently, signalling to her that the name is not going to make it.
When my mum told me this, i was very sad. Becoz i know grandpa has always been a very strong-willed person..To know that he seems to be losing his willpower to live really hurts. And knowing that he's suffering through his gestures to my mum made all of us felt terrible. And the worse is that the doctors cant perform any operation on him yet coz he's not physically able enough to withstand a full operation yet...and 4 daes ago when he could still talk, he told the doctor that he doesnt want an operation coz he himself knows that his body wont be able to take it.
And my aunts are keeping a lot of these bad news from my grandma, coz they re worried that she might not be able to take it.
I feel numb. And i m bracing myself mentally. I cannot fall, not now when Rag and O Week are coming.
I m afraid. Very afraid.
I dun want to receive any sms or call ever again, telling me that my grandpa's condition is worsening, and to see him possibly for the last time.
I want to see him healthy, happy, enjoying his retirement, and at every Chinese New Year gathering again.
Saturday, July 29, 2006
I waited for realli long today to download the Sheares Hall Rag video for last year..but it was worth it.
IK was rite..watching it brought tears to my eyes..
And it makes me wonder again..about something that i have been thinking for the past 12 months.
Ever since i thought about running for President last year, countless people have asked me what are my reasons for doing so.
Few people know the exact reasons.
There are many, but 1 was Rag.
Watching the video..esp the ending part..
I thought...
On 12th Aug 2006, would it be us who wud be hugging and huddling together..praying before the release of results..and screaming out together in artstasy right at the end....?
Would it be jingyi going up the stage hoisting the championship into the air...?
14 days left.
Wednesday, July 26, 2006
When we assembled the Rag float for a while a few nights ago, the feeling was awesome and out of this world.
=)
Sunday, July 23, 2006
Down with severe flu the past 2 daes..been sneezing terribly and non-stop..and its very irritating coz it makes me feel very lethargic and very dry eyes..
I may smile or laugh in public but deep down inside i m bleeding.
Saturday, July 22, 2006
What was supposed to be a good dae...esp from dae time...turns out to be the saddest night of the entire week for me.
Feeling awful now.
Friday, July 21, 2006
Been thinking of some wierd questions to myself over the past few daes haha..
Also realize that i seem to be getting older, and worser at remembering people's names, esp the new freshies..haha..this irritates me slightly coz i dun like to forget people's names, as names are the basic 1st step towards establishing friendships.
O Week pre-camp was not bad..though it was xian that i had to stay in school e 2nd dae to clear up some stuff..good to know some more freshmen tho..
All in all, been a tough, hectic, and busy week..more meetings and functions coming up which i need to attend..Matric is in 10 days, and the next few weeks is going to be super packed and breakneck pace all the way till end of Rag..phew.. gearing myself up for the final lap before Elections..Experience tells me that before i know it, it ll be the start of the school term and the end of fop le..
Was glad that little india took the initiative to talk things out on sundae night. It shows maturity and character.
Tuesday, July 18, 2006
As i sat and prepare for my speech and powerpoint presentation about Arts Club for the Orientation Talks..
Inserting pictures of the past..looking at them..reliving them...the faces...the memories..
Listening to Love Me by Colin Raye...
Tears well up in my eyes...and i cant help it.
Sunday, July 16, 2006
I love the song "Hero" by Mariah Carey, esp the live version...it has been accompanying me ever since i was young haha.. And i just think the song is so meaningful, esp at times when u feel down and u listen to it...
Friday, July 14, 2006
“It is usually a surprise to discover that most ugliness we see in others is but a reflection of our own nature”.
- ThinkExist.com
Thursday, July 13, 2006
In the night i sit alone...with my laptop in front of me, silvery diamond tetrapaks beside me..
Thinking of the past, present, and future.
Wondering how everything would be like, after i step down.......
"The thing which separates the ordinary from the extraordinary people is Rag."
- An Old Man
Sunday, July 09, 2006
What have i been up to the past few daes?
1 word=> ELECTIONS.
The exco has met up to map out the route towards stepping down, and its kinda incredible when we realize that in almost 2 months, we ll be stepping down le. Time flies realli, so much that sometimes i cant believe it myself..
Yes, i really really really want a strong 27th MC to take over the helm and guide the Club further to greater heights. That is why i am channeling a lot of energy towards preparing a good elections campaign and procedure for the upcoming elections. And no offence to anyone, but i felt last yr's elections and ROP Camp could have been done a lot lot better, and i dun want my guys to repeat the same mistakes.
And it doesnt help that external factors have given me a lot of headaches for the past few daes, such that i have to do a lot of alternative planning, adjustments, checking, and looking thru the Constitutions umpteenth times. Its very irritating really. But i m glad i have come to a stand and i intend to stick by it. My job is to protect the interests and future of the Club, and i will not shortchange these interests.
On a personal note, i m kinda in bad shape financially but still struggling to cope and ll try to find a job asap. Oredi got lobang le, but its hard when there's still a lot of things to settle and Rag to commit to.
Sigh..and i miss my princess shuang er a lot a lot a lot.. =( she went to JB for the weekend..and ll be going for Union Camp next week.. But we ll still see each other la..and hopefully she can come back by tonight in time for us to watch the World Cup Final together... =)
It also dawned on me that if we can miss each other so much when she's only going to be gone for a week, what more of others who may not see their loved ones for say months or years?? To these people, i hope u all stay strong k..
Saturday, July 08, 2006
POST DATED AS OF 1ST JULY 2006:
Haha, before everyone knows it, Arts Camp, and 6 months of hard work and preparations is over...sometimes its quite scary how time really flies...
Everybody's asking me why i didnt cry this year at the end of the Camp, sort of like expecting me to cry....haha..
hmmm..i also been asking myself that question leh..ever since the last dae..haha, but i figured its just different la..coz last yr maybe i was the pd, and it was like really my baby..and i felt a lot a lot more for it..not saying i dun feel for this year's camp but its just that the feeling's different, and its natural actually. =) Every camp has its own memories and its own sweetness...
I also felt that in general, last yr everyone was much much more emotionally attached to their OG, House, and the entire camp, based on a lot of feedback as well..but as i told quite a lot of people during the camp, every yr there are different pros and cons...and new adventures =) Artstasy'05 was wonderful in a certain way, but so was Poof'06 wonderful in another way. And the main prob that this year's com had to juggle with was the weight of 250 plus freshies..almost 100 more than last year's, which created a lot of extra problems.
Eg, harder to bond the large OG, larger House, buffer time needs to be longer, harder to give briefing or capture people's attention, harder to have crowd control, dynamics of programs also altered (sometimes unforseen), SP partners affected, councilors ratio affected, etc etc...
Yupz, and as i told xiao hong and little india, with every event or Arts Club project comes lessons which we can all learn and improve upon for future years... =p Perhaps next yr we shouldnt accept too big a number of freshies as well? A lot of food for thought for many lessons..
All in all, i felt the O Com did very well..i ve seen a lot of new faces, who have proven themselves..as well as old faces who are still up to the mark. Pleasantly surprised and impressed with people like Kelvin, Peiyong, Kidd, Benedict, Bingjie, Leon..and i m really glad to know all of them better after this camp..
Arts Camp always has the power to reinforce old friendships and create new ones..that's why it is so beautiful. =)
My role during the Camp this yr is significantly different from last yr, but 1 which, i personally enjoyed as well. Supporting the com and the people at the top, while gathering feedback and knowing lots of new people and potential Club affiliates and friends at the ground level. Phew, it sure wasnt easy juggling presidential duties with OGL duties..I couldnt relax myself properly for the Camp for the 1st 2 days, coz my mind keeps thinking of the visit by the Macau student leaders...Was glad everything went well in the end for the visit..
I had a great time with my beloved OG Shakira, and of coz with the Sagani House..Diff camps always have diff pros and cons yeah.. =)
Another happy and heartwarming thing i felt from the Camp, was to see most of the freshies last yr brought in FOP '05 returning as seniors and councilors. It was good to see the 26th MC members step up as well..haha..although i feel some of them are not used to being lao laos yet..
Yupz, have a lot a lot of other thoughts as well..but think i ll just keep them to myself...
Everydae i think of 12th August...RAG DAY!!!
