Memories...
Sunday, March 26, 2006
its a different feeling seeing my grandfather's altar at home, and seeing his tomb personally at lim chu kang cemetary..i guess that is one the true meaning of qing1 ming2 jie2...
saw his picture on the tomb..and realize how much i miss him..and also realize that its been wow..almost 12 years since he passed away in november 1994...
As i was telling one of my friends last week, i believe very strongly that my grandfather has always been around me, protecting me with his spirit, even though he may have passed away so long ago...he was a very gentle and heart-warming grandfather, who dotes on my siblings and i..despite his tranquil exterior, i could always sense an aura of toughness in him..esp since he escaped from china during world war 2 into singapore..he and my mum helped to raise my sis, bro, and i when we were young, and when my father was not around..further explains my respect for him....
haha..and i still can recall fondly..how when i was a kid..he wud give me 50 cents everydae..which i wud happily take and trot down to e groceries shop below..and buy packets of bee bee and sea weed (each only cost 10cents)..sometimes i wud save up e 50 cents, and then "splurge" it on a packet of potato chips and yakult! (total $1) haha..
Coz my mum was always outside working very hard to raise us, so only left my grandfather at home to take care of us..thus when i wanted to go out and play with my neighbourhood friends, i had to seek his permission first. Most of the time, he ll gently allowed me to go..on days when he was in a bad mood, he wouldnt..and i would be upset and cry..haha..then i ll choose strategic times to ask him for permission..eg when his old friend comes over for coffee, which means he ll be occupied and be in a good mood..thats when the likelihood of allowing me to go out is higher haha..(heh little did he know also that, the company i was mixing with, involved many individuals who ll rise to become gangster lords in my neighbourhood. I m serious..till today, i count my blessings that despite my tough childhood, i didnt go on the stray path which many of my childhood friends did..but sometimes, even they couldnt control their destiny, largely due to the influence of their family background)
So i guess in a way, my grandfather taught me to be tough since young..sometimes he ll share with me a lot of his past stories..but often, i could not comprehend fully coz he could only speak in dialect..if he was alive today, i ll definitely ask him a lot of my contemporary chinese politics module stuff..and about the history of Singapore and China politics..
My grandfather tried to teach me a lot of things too..but i was always a notti and rebellious kid when i was young..so i refuse to learn a lot of stuff..and sometimes when he comes to sit by my bed, admiring my well-being, or just the fact that he could still see me, or tried to touch my forehead..i ll ignore him, or pretend to be asleep, or look away irritatedly..i know..i can be really nasty when i was a kid..and sometimes, i ll even curse him behind his back...something which i have never forgiven myself since his funeral 12 years ago...something which, will be my eternal sin and regret which i ll carry with me for the rest of my life as a form of punishment...i can only hope to say that i did not mean what i said and cursed about him back then..coz i was realli only a pri skool kid..and did not mean a lot of things i said...
Back then, i always have dinners with my grandfather..he ll always put his right leg on a stool when eating, something which has passed on to me back at home haha (or so my mum says..)
He also told me this 1 thing which i have kept with me till this todae.. 1 night he called my sis, bro and me into his room...and he told us that should we ever hear this scratching sound, run for our lives, and as far as we could....thats why i always feel that in a way, he ll always be around, protecting my siblings and i...
My grandfather's passing away was a major turning point in my life, and helped to shape the lives of my bro, sis, and i..i guess in a way, we figured out the best way to repay our debt to him for bringing us up, is to lead our lives responsibly, happily, and care for our respective own families next time..to learn from his toughness, wisdom, and experience..coming up from a broken family is not easy, and i ll never want my son next time to go thru what i have experienced..i want my children and grandchildren to experience the kind of family love which i never had when i was a kid.
Dearest Ah Gong, i want you to know that i still remember you, and you ll forever have a special place in my heart. Without you, i ll never have been the man that i am todae. I hope u are proud of me, and will continue to be proud of me, becoz i am so proud of u, and u are the greatest grandfather in the world.
I love u. And may u continue to find peace, and watch kor kor, jie jie, and me grow up.
