Memories...
Monday, July 31, 2006
The past 2 daes have been mentally and physically draining for me.
In between packing 1500 Matric bags on Sundae afternoon, i suddenly received a msg from my sis that my grandpa, who had already been hospitalized the past few days, was facing an emergency. There's a hole in his stomach..and its affecting his lungs somehow..such that he suddenly couldnt breathe properly, and was sent to the Intensive Care Unit. It was scary, and when my mum knew what happened, she was devastated and cried badly. Worse still was that she still had to rush back to her workplace after visiting my grandpa, coz it was a Sunday and she couldnt get a replacement at the Food Court. She was so upset.
I was decorating the Matric Fair booth at SRC when i knew this..and rushed down from school to the hospital with my bro, sis, and dad. When i saw my grandpa in the ICU ward, i think i was so devastated and stunned. There were like all kinds of funny tubes poked all over his body. He was gasping for breath, and look so frail and thin, unlike the past. I couldnt figure out exactly how to read the computer figures, but it was clear that his heartbeat and pulse rate were really really weak.
I didnt know how to react actually. But i felt very very sad, devastated, and painful seeing him like this..
A lot of painful images emerged from the past, which is too upsetting for me to write out.
Grandpa has always doted on us, his grandchildren, and despite been softspoken, the whole family knew that he was always a strong and intelligent character and thinker.
The doctors rushed to flush out the phlegm in his lungs. Including 2.6kg of fluids..from his lungs. All this while, we were waiting and waiting anxiously. And not being of very rich financial background, my aunts were also quite troubled by the hospital costs, but of coz this was considered the least worries compared to his condition.
Thank god his condition stabilized...and we all headed back respectively to our work, school etc.
I think i ve become really good at hiding my feelings after almost 1 yr of training. I only let shuang er see my real emotions, no one else..Before i rode for Gleneagles Hospital, i thank god she was with me, for i was in a daze and felt like crumbling after hearing the news.
I came back to school, feeling devastated, and thinking a lot about grandpa, and life in general. Kept my mind occupied by doing a lot of other stuff and ragging. Initially thought of going back home, but i couldnt just leave my guys back in school.
Then came todae. Freaking busy. I went Matric, went back to Deans Office for briefing, went back to Matric, went to OED for a meeting, then went to LT11 to prepare for the Orientation talks tom, then back to clubroom to settle admin stuff. And i m preparing for my speech tomorrow.
Its going to be the biggest crowd that i will address. The Deans wud be there as well. Been thinking and preparing for this talk for quite some time. These are times when i wish my loved ones were there watching me, and proud of me.
When i reached home just now, grandpa's condition according to my mum is better. He could open his eyes. But he couldnt talk. He strangely asked my mum to pass him a piece of paper, where he wrote some words on it. I looked at the paper, and couldnt make out what the words meant. But i could tell it was written with quite some difficulty. There were 4 words. The 1st one was only half-written before it faded.
The last 3 words, according to my mum, were my grandpa's own name. He had written his own name on the paper, then looked at my mum, raised both hands and waved them gently, signalling to her that the name is not going to make it.
When my mum told me this, i was very sad. Becoz i know grandpa has always been a very strong-willed person..To know that he seems to be losing his willpower to live really hurts. And knowing that he's suffering through his gestures to my mum made all of us felt terrible. And the worse is that the doctors cant perform any operation on him yet coz he's not physically able enough to withstand a full operation yet...and 4 daes ago when he could still talk, he told the doctor that he doesnt want an operation coz he himself knows that his body wont be able to take it.
And my aunts are keeping a lot of these bad news from my grandma, coz they re worried that she might not be able to take it.
I feel numb. And i m bracing myself mentally. I cannot fall, not now when Rag and O Week are coming.
I m afraid. Very afraid.
I dun want to receive any sms or call ever again, telling me that my grandpa's condition is worsening, and to see him possibly for the last time.
I want to see him healthy, happy, enjoying his retirement, and at every Chinese New Year gathering again.
